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or: Why Cristiano Ronaldo always stands with his legs apart before taking a free kick
This article aims to demonstrate that abolishing gender roles would also benefit men and boys. Of course, it would more obviously benefit women, as you can read in this edition’s articles on feminism. If men are interested in gender relations, it tends to be assumed that they are allying themselves with a ‘women’s issue’ in some great show of selflessness and solidarity. Of course, loads of men are not at all interested in such issues, but they should be, as men also suffer as a result of gender roles. A very twisted perception of this suffering has entered the mainstream: the conservative German Federal Family Minister Kristina Schroeder has called for increased support for boys, and a ‘men’s rights movement’ promoting pride in being a man is gathering speed. But I don’t want to be proud of being a man, I want to abolish masculinity. So exactly is going on here?
In industrialised countries, boys and girls cry about the same amount until the age of 12. After that, boys tend to stop and even tell each other “hey, boys don’t cry”. Toughness is the trump card in a boy’s world, and if you don’t learn it from your parents, you feel the consequences at school at the very latest when shy or ‘feminine’ boys get bullied. However, learning to perform male gender roles is no walk in the park. It would already be a massive step in the right direction if boys no longer had to learn to be tough. It would be an even larger step if nobody was bullied on account of the distressing process of learning to be tough. However, there is only limited potential for change while we remain in the clutches of capitalism, where being tough pays off in the competition for getter grades or jobs, and women are now also expected to ‘man up’. But some effects of this manly toughness could really be toned down. Heterosexual cis-men, to say the least, are often reliant on relationships for emotional security and affection as they have never learned to experience closeness or talk about their feelings with their male friends. For this reason, it doesn’t take long before men are lonely after a break up. Female friends are used to curing heartache by chatting through the night or cuddling up for a cheesy rom-com, yet this is rare among men – even among men who are not into male gender roles. It turns out that it is not so easy to overcome the internalised distancing in male relationships. Films teach us that unhappy men just down beers with their best buddy, and after a shake of the head and a deep sigh of “women!”, there is nothing more to say. Well that’s all very fine, but my needs are different.
Male gender roles are annoying in other situations too. For example, I’m not exactly over the moon if I get thrown into a shoulder-thumping ‘man to man’ conversation. Taking part in the pantomime of a fraternity would maybe get me a better job, but I don’t want anything to do with such things. Limiting my life plans to the category of ‘son and heir’ doesn’t exactly have my best interest at heart. And having to always pretend to be the protector, to be the one who is always up for sex also piles on the pressure. Even people who criticise gender roles still often expect the man to make the first move. Well sorry, but I’m shy too! And these are some of the more harmless things. In contrast, the extreme violence of perceptions of masculinity is exposed in the hatred of (perceived to be) ‘unmanly’ gay men. One in three teenage suicides is thought to be related to homophobia. And homophobic violence also affects people who conform to newer ideas of masculinity, such as meterosexual men, or men with a shred of emotional intelligence. If you are perceived to be weak, then you are quickly put under pressure to prove that you are a ‘real man’. How exhausting. How violent.
So the star footballer Cristiano Ronaldo’s legs apart cowboy poses in the European Championships could be seen as an act of defiance in the face all the die-hard bloke-y football fans who deem his stylish appearance and emotion on the pitch to be somehow lacking masculinity. And at the same time, such posing is nothing more than a laddish gesture; which is annoying, and encourages other men in their displays of toughness. A dumb cycle, which if abolished, would remove a whole heap of suffering from this world. Let’s aim to make our friendship groups spaces where gender and gender roles more permeable and treat the toughness of capitalist competition with disgust – that would be a step in the right direction.
