About romantic two-part relationships , »free love« and polyamory
If love is to imagine a better society, it cannot do so as a peaceful enclave, but only in conscious resistance.
(Theodor Adorno)
Even if you don’t like listening to love songs on the radio, or avoid watching romantic movies made in Hollywood it seems to be obvious that everyone believes in Mr or Mrs Right waiting somewhere out there. One single person that will make you happy. When you finally find this person, everything will be good for now: together against the rest of the world as lovers, as friends, as followers, and maybe later even as parents of your own children. Sigh, so nice! In the course of the last decades many things have changed indeed: as a couple you don’t have to get married, gay and lesbian heart throbs are also accepted, having children or moving in together is not mandatory, and if you do break up or get divorced you as a woman won’t be extremely condemned like it used to be. Additionally, you don’t necessarily have to live as a celibate until Mr Right appears, loose romances or „friends with benefits“ are more accepted than in those days when you were either single or in a relationship. But many things still remain the same: If you are in a relationship people will ask you about your one and only girl- or boyfriend. This means something very particular: this is the person with who you go on holiday, celebrate New Year’s eve, choose nicknames, think of anniversaries. You would present this person to your parents or call him or her at 4 o’clock in the morning when you have problems. Yes, that is „my“ boyfriend or „my“ girlfriend, that is the idea of a romantic two-part relationship“ (RTPR).
More than one love
At work or at the university people would look at you pitifully at best or call you a pervert as worst if you you told them you didn’t have only one girlfriend, but sometimes you also had sex with your best friend, and since summer you also had butterflies in your tummy because of someone living in another town, and there was another person with who you sometimes fool around or snuggle with. And that these connections could indeed become more serious or turn out to be a second relationship. You can always find letters in youth magazines à la: „I am in a relationship but I do have a crush on the neighbour’s boy – what shall I do?“ The adviser will definitely answer: „You have to make a decision.“ Though there are people who say the adviser is wrong. Sometimes identified with the keyword „polyamory“, but also labelled as „open“ or „non-monogamous“ relationships do these different definitions hold a similar basic idea: It is possible and nice to fall in love with more than one person, to be close to and be important for more than one person, and also not wanting to have sex with only one person until the end of the days. One single person cannot and should not be all for you in your life: a knight in shining armour, a person to snuggle with, an exciting sex partner, the potential mother of your children, your retirement security, or a partner for political discussions. Keeping all those facts in mind one can be totally overloaded and this might be a reason for why so many relationships break up. Hollywood fucks with your brain. The RTPR establishes furthermore unwritten rules which often only make your life harder: Snuggling with your best girlfriend is alright but snuggling with your ex-boyfriend is not okay? Also people in serious relationships often fancy someone secretly – but they are not allowed to talk about it? It is taboo to hang out and make out near the lake with your class mate on a school trip although it feels good in this moment and does not question your relationship at all? From many situations you can see that it’s not really clear what exactly is „allowed“ or „forbidden“, but people often don’t negotiate about it. Polyamory opposes the recognition that sometimes you like more than one person at the same time, or you want to snuggle or have sex with more than one person does not mean that people become less important. It is not meant in a bad manner as „flings“ or „secret affairs“ which are remorsefully confessed or embarrassingly concealed but it happens under acceptance of all parties. It may be put into practice differently: Either you have one main relationship in which affairs are accepted, or you have one mandatory closed three-part relationship, or two partners, or even a network of friends with who you can also have sex.
Ethical Sluts
It is obvious that reconciling needs and interests of more than two persons isn’t always easy. Sometimes it comes along with a nasty, even sexist overtone. Especially when in particular men understand „open relationships“ as having a carte blanche to have sex with as many women as possible in order to gain recognition from their friends, and yet to condemn the ones who don’t feel good with this situation as square. Some commune residents of the ’68 generation established with their „free love“ a bad example of how you (men) should not implement it. Within heterosexual open relationships you should also keep in mind the stereotypes of sexually active men being labelled as cool „womanizers“, whereas women are rather stamped as „sluts“. So „polyamorous“ relationships are not a bit easier along the lines of „All can do what they want“ but also more difficult. First of all you have to clearly communicate your needs („Would you mind if I go on holiday with my other relationship?“, „How many details would you actually like to no about my romance?“ – let alone the necessity to really watch out for safer sex). You cannot take allegedly generally accepted Hollywood scripts as a starting point and it must be acknowledged that we have basically been socialised in a way that we know jealousy, fears of loss or uncertainties and feel that in relationships. It’s the foundation of open relationships to deal with it considerately.
„Jealousy“ is in this case a strange phenomenon with very different motives like own uncertainties („The other girl is definitely smarter than me“, „That guy looks definitely better than me“), fears of loss („If my girlfriend/boyfriend falls in love with someone else she/he will leave me“), property-mindedness in a society which is precisely characterized by it („Someone catched my girlfriend!“), and projecting dissatisfactions in the relationship onto the new combination („They are certainly having more/better sex.“, „They are certainly having better conversations.“). In this respect and without arguing all the pain away is jealousy also a fascinating characteristic from which you can learn a lot about yourself and about the other person involved. Thinking outside the box in a cultural and contemporary sense there is nothing „natural“ about it – in other societies and during other decades or centuries there have always been and will always be forms of relationships where more than two people were/are bindingly together without causing jealousy offences in series.
Mono/poly
In some circles „polyamory“ has in fact become the new standard. Monogamous couples are regarded as square couples, and if they are in addition living straight they could never be leftists. In public space or at parties the sweetheart will not be paid attention, much less touched tenderly. That might be a response to the monogamous dictate of the mainstream society, but at the same time it is pretty nasty. Relationships are first of all a matter of increasing happiness. That can also mean being together with someone who appreciates exclusiveness, uniqueness and „feeling special“, and not immediately breaking up when it becomes annoying or difficult. Ironically, different types of relationships involve the danger of randomness and replaceability like „polyamory“ and „open relationships“ – namely when needs are not respected but they are an excuse for „having as much sex as possible with as many people as possible, preferably straightforward and non-binding. People who have an issue with it are simply square.“ In this case people become pure numbers. The RTPR too involves this danger because it is just about types of relationships. My friend left me? Well, then I am looking for a new one, I already prepared the employment ad – it is about functions which have been predefined in our own life and we are looking for people who correspond to these requirements. It can make it impossible to notice the uniqueness of Susanne, Ahmed or Aja, because there are strict categories like „boyfriend/girlfriend“, „best friend“, „romance“ etc. Instead of asking oneself: „What is special about the connection between me and Ahmed?“ you would only ask: „Does Ahmed correspond to my‚boyfriend‘ employment ad?“
As much „love“ is directly influenced by capitalism, as little you can say that the one or the other form of relationship would per se support or overturn it. The decisive factor is not the kind of the relationship but the conscious decision for it, it is the recognition that monogamy is not „natural“ and alternatitves to it might make you happier. It is obvious that in this society decisions are always made partly „freely“ and „conciously“ and that we are not accidently characterized by different ideologies. The hope remains that in a society which is not based on a principle of exchange, people will become less replaceable too.
After the university or the apprenticeship at the latest, the party is over for most people in Germany. The living community will break up in order to build a father-mother-child-family shortly afterwards. In spite of patchwork families and lots of single households it still remains today the ideal image when it comes to family and living together. There are still many people who are critical of small family structures and who are searching for different ways of living together with other people in reliable and binding relationships. We asked in our circle of friends if they got to know different forms of living together.
In the kibbutz
Paola (21): Last year I have been working as a volunteer for six months in a kibbutz in Israel. That was really spacy: The people there live in a huge community , all of them earn the same money no matter if they work on the field or in the office. Activities like raising children or cooking are regarded as work too, so that some of the people especially cared about those activities which was of course a real relief for the other ones. That was partly also nice for the kids because if they were stressed by their parents thus they had other close reference persons who they could talk to. After six months I had enough of it. Working was pretty stressful, the authoritarian structures were really annoying and I didn’t earn that much although inside the kibbutz you could get almost anything without money.
Relaxed and together in a hicktown in Brandenburg…
Lisa (20): I grew up in a country community in Brandenburg in a real hicktown without train accessability, which really annoyed me by the age of 15. In the community there was one big living room, each of the ten adults had in addition his or her own room, only me and my sister Sarah had to share a room. She is strictly speaking only my community sister as we do not have the same parents. But we grew up together and I liked that a lot because I was not a singleton. We still hang closely together today. It was also great that there was always something going on in our living room, I have never been bored there.
Together you are less alone
Tom (17): I live in a huge flat share in Hamburg together with my sister Luise and my mother Inga. I like that because all the people are really nice, with some of them I talk about my problems and some are helping me to prepare for the A-level-exams. I think it would be very lonely from time to time if I lived together only with Inga and my little sister and I think they would feel the same. What I hate is when they try to kind of educate me or when they stress me, if I didn’t do the fucking cleaning.
My mothers – cool but still stressful!
My parents really stress me with demands: I ought to take my A-levels, to study, to get a great job – to „be successful“. They exactly know what that means. I am their living desire to have children but I cannot satisfy their expactations. It is very hard to leave that role – at the moment I am financially dependent on them and they are legally responsible for me. The school informs them about my grates and my behaviour. They have to make agreements and they are responsible for me in case of doubt. I like both of my mothers and really appreciate what they do in their lives. I would never replace them! But it is not so easy to be independent as long as we for example live together or better I live with them. There are not automatically flat hierarchies in anti-authoritarian education.
Only Crew Love is true love!
Without my homies I would be up the creek without a paddle. We spend a lot of time together in school, at parties, coming home, whenever. That is family for me. It is nice but not always easy. Although sometimes it feels like it, there is not „us“ and only around the big bad world. We can’t just get rid of it or throw all the junk that we learn there away. A bad balance of power and competition sharpen the feeling of having to be better than others in order to be part of it. Fucking shit!
On the other hand are my homies exactly those people who want to change that as well. We care about each other and I hope this will continue for a very long time. Communism only with you Dears!
We are a lot!
Elena (18): My parents‘ names are Gitte, Paul, Ruth and Andreas. I have four parents. My „biological“ parents Gitte and Paul always knew they would find it incredible raising children in a small family, so they started a „parents group“. The four of them have been friends for a very long time and we all moved in together when I was born. It is great for me and my brother. The adults do simply have more time and are less stressed than many of my friend’s parents. I am less afraid that they could get „divorced“ somehow as friendships are often more stable than romantic relationships.
Read more about it:
—Discussion series in „Jungle World“ on www. jungle-word.com, type in the keywords „polyamory“ or „offene Beziehung“.
—The „classical book“ of the polyamory movement – Dossie Easton/Janet Hardy: The Ethical Slut – A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures. New edition 2011. Used for approx. 10 Euro.
—Theodor Adorno: Minima Moralia. 1951. Sections No. 110 „Constanze“ and No. 49 „Ethics and temporal order“
http://coyriot.com/sinistra/reading/agnado/minima.html
